Circumstancial Existence
by nuageux
Summary: She silently thought, as the tears fell without consequence, "all we know is falling"..  Her thoughts echoed the room in response, "...to whom do I owe?"
1. Chapter 1

_PROLOGUE:_

_Ashley_  
>And I toy with my past like strings to a violin.<br>Silence bleeds unspoken words, which I want to scream the truth.  
>But it doesn't, just more static and confusion.<br>Which I do not seem to mind, but it doesn't make anything better.  
>She knew the outlines of my face, but not my name; not what was within.<br>Her blue eyes possessed hate and affliction.  
>She walks amongst the girls with no souls and plastic hearts of love in their eyes.<br>She runs towards me with a predator look.  
>As I stand there to analyze her motives, I am knocked to the ground.<br>She stands over me to remove the taste out of my mouth.  
>The blood trickles with mystery, numb I feel with no misery.<br>Her so-called friends yell inaudibly chants of encouragement,  
>while trying to stab me with half-empty words and promises.<br>She grabs me by the collar of our school girl uniform, she says to me with difficulty  
>"You will tell everybody the truth, my brother did not do any of those things to you."<br>But he did, and I'm ready to fight.  
>She is trying to hold tears back.<br>She grits her teeth and speaks hoarsely, "You will not destroy us."  
>Like me, she is afraid.<br>"You'll be facing death if you say another word."  
>And she lets me go with destruction causing me to hit my head on the lockers.<br>I am still the one to blame. 


	2. Chapter 2

_INTRODUCTIONS TO THE SILENT WALLS:_

_Spencer_  
>The name that was given to me I cannot own up to.<br>My brother, Glen was the meal ticket my parents pushed their hopes and dreams on to succeed.  
>But not me, I was daddy's little girl at heart, so spoiled i dripped like candy in humidity.<br>We couldn't have misunderstood each other anymore then.. That was before..  
>Now, I'll do anything to protect Glen and I.<br>Nobody understands that, not even him.  
>But he's truly all that I have.<br>...Since they passed on and we've been tormented by the nightmares.  
>The nightmares of reality where greed is a necessity of survival.<br>Living in the land of so-called freedom will teach you that lesson.  
>But with freedom comes responsibility.<br>...responsibility that 3 sides of a story must remain the same.  
>it never is.<p>

_Ashley_  
>There are 3 sides to every story, your version, my version, and the truth.<br>But I am telling you the truth, despite my so-called reputation.  
>You've heard of me, but I swear you don't even know me.<br>Nobody can honestly say they do or did.  
>I'm not into labels so save the interview process.<br>I have had sexual desires, physical relations, and experiences.  
>Unwanted am I not, just unsatisfied with my needs.<br>She could fulfill them, her innocence is my admiration.  
>...From a distance, this obsession is controlling my being.<br>Her eyes believe the lies she wants to feel,  
>but the attraction is undeniable.<br>Intimidation and revenge is what the system of temporary friendships scolded me of until I learned.  
>Those were my ways of surviving until she came into the photographs, memories, and now my past. she just throws it away.. Anyways, it's not like my existence even matters anymore, atleast to the people I have intentionally hurt. I'm just as broken and tainted with lust as the next existence among us.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

_PENS AND NEEDLES_

_Spencer_  
>It all started out lovely, like a fairytale of hidden attraction, the lust.<br>Painted in reds, blacks, blues, purples, and shades of yellow.  
>how exciting it was, except the lust never escaped my thoughts.<br>She had it in her eyes too.  
>What a dirty little secret, left better unsaid and so physically messy with no emotional strings.<p>

_Ashley_  
>Its better to keep feelings out of mind, and detached from foreshadowed tragedies.<br>Except he wasn't suppose to be in the picture, coming between us.  
>Now the conspiracy is blowing whispers into my ears affecting every thought.<br>Picking the daisies asking if she likes me or not.  
>I wish that my heart would just stop, so I could collapse like the outcast and loser I truly am. If she only knew, but she doesn't she just chooses arrogance time by time. I guess its much easier to fade away than burn out.. At least Kurt was right..<br>But the love and pain still lingers among us, locked in bitter reality.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hello my fellow beautiful battlefields,_

_i wanted to say that I have appreciated the reviews, anonymously and from exclusive members.._

_to OneLiner: yes, I prefer things to be slow, I appreciate how beauty unravels itself as time is only an idea._

_and yes, i will continue as long as patience exists in all of you_

_-lc&p-_

_nuageux _

* * *

><p>NIKI FM<p>

_Spencer_

_When I saw her..._

She wore a t-shirt that read : explain this conspiracy against me

a song lyric that stung me cos it is so hypocritical of her to

even think for a second there are people out to destroy her

I let out a long sigh of frustration and confusion as I type an anonymous message

of a simple question that read:

have you ever had a paramour?

Wrapped in a pink envelope with brown lace as a decoration to show her the

depth and confusion of emotions that interlace her.

...To be honest, I've never done this before.

The silent fear of her responding with a yes

lingering in her mailbox is enough to shatter

my feign existence alone.

Wish me luck from somewhere meaningful and lonesome

-xo-

_Ashley_

_When I found the envelope..._

I shivered at the possibility of what it's contents held

the unknown is hell compared to what I've ever known

I stare at it for it's detailed existence, pondering the jokes and

seriousness of it all...

and I ponder in anxious, confliction, and other time consuming emotions

to end the day bitter with exhaustion and thoughts of wasted time once again

story of a teenage love/hate affair

I open it before I sleep into dreams that are not a reality,

_have you ever had a paramour?_

Typed in an anonymous question of existence

I reply sickly and honestly on a heart-shaped post-note:

Maybe if my heart stops beating

It won't hurt this much

sighing dangerously for even myself,

I crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep once more

cos I am my **only **_ friend and enemy_


	5. Chapter 5

_THE QUIET THINGS_

_Spencer:_

The response aches a hole in my knowledge as I pick it up

in contemplation

burn a hole into my backpack as the auditorium fills,

and the people that acknowledge my popularity and facades of me

be nice to me because I am the overseer of their

high school destiny

god, how did I end up so lonely?

The answer:

_Maybe if my heart stops beating_

_It won't hurt this much_

I rush to the bathroom, lying to my acquaintances stating that I am throwing up actually

they rush to come along with me, I respond insolently

my response is written on the bathroom wall:

In my empire, you play the song I know

photographed and processed

gotta love kodak

;)

_Ashley:_

Today was just lonesome and terrible

I'm staring at my depression medication

like it murders me literally, the nurses in my life are wicked bitches

in forms of parents

pretending to care with faux voices of concern

turns in violence when I expose my moments of rebellion

asking the dreaded question of not even how is your day?,

did you take your medication?

Evil looks exchanged answered the question with the answer

of being punched in the stomach, falling to the floor as redemption

and my mouth being pried open forcibly

and various pills shoved down my throat

and being thrown in a bath full of freezing water face down

so the pills can drown right along with the pieces left of me literally

the short envelope is crumpled with my belongings

torn is the photograph written on a wall

with a female's writing:

_In my empire, you play the song I know_

is replied with

_in my reality, I live in a wonderland _

_where pills are the only solution to permanent help_

atleast one of us will have a good day

and crumble it and undo it again to show

the sickness

and imperfections that display my life

without convictions or damaging words


	6. Chapter 6

NOTHING PHYSICALLY SPOKEN

_Spencer:_

I desperately wish I could decode her thoughts and meanings

the mood of today is described in two words: selfish and empty

emotional turmoil amongst the acquaintances as a break up of an artificial love

bursts the seams, it was rightfully justice for they both used each other for various things

love and acceptance not being one of them

her answer breaks my thoughts and exposes what is missing

_in my reality, I live in a wonderland _

_where pills are the only solution to permanent help_

yeah, I've had that boiling in my thoughts, worn deary on my sleeve..

it's not that I don't relate... but my mother could.

This feeling leaving me uncomfortable and nauseous in my own skin

scrolling the word: WANTED with a razor blade on my ribcage

purging up contents of daily meals purposely in the toilet,

too many calories and too much guilt

I self-isolate myself, fragile in the bathtub alone

bloody fingerprint stains the page..

_this will kill me, how I want it to be true..only you_

Ashley:

Sealed in a newspaper comic envelope with a blood-stained heart

as enclosure, signed and delivered

sickening and twisted in youth

_Life is beautifully reckless, we are all vulnerable_

_put on a mask and triumph the tragedies of the show_

I'm too numb to feel right now..

in a daydream she holds my hand in comfort and fear

Spencer:

I quickly sting myself with quick reaction as I let the open wound

touch the hot water and soap of jasmine and lavender

I came into the face of reality in a pair of yoga pants and a dirty beater tank top

opening the mailbox to find this message, written on a cd

excitement and lust fill me

as the cd plays in the background

...happiness exists in a low light so dim that hunger cannot satisfy me

I realize that I miss her and have mistaken her beauty

I promise it'll be just tonight


	7. Chapter 7

DOUBT HAS A FACE

Ashley:

_I now stare at my impurities in a broken mirror_

_fantasizing about what could be and the person I could become_

_all doubts aside and self-esteem on a higher level_

_Face of an imposter _

_Barely recognize the stranger reflection of myself anymore_

_she claims I have a beauty that is untamed and calming_

_but she doesn't even see me, does she? I write slowly and neatly:_

To answer your question, no.. I've never had a paramour

much less a true friend. Vices in life are my shields and

insecurity shown exposes how powerless and defenseless we truly are.

_Autobiographical, I hope she understands how this all meaningful._

Spencer:

"Insecurity exposes that we are human." I whisper to her softly

as I toss her hair back with one hand and

as I place my other hand over hers purposely, sunglasses covering my eyes

and I confidentially walk away with the acquaintances in tow

with the world in my eyesight and pain in the shadows.

She is the only truth that I have to show my vulnerabilities to.

I hope that one day she will understand that, how real and precious it is,

I do not pry open my eyes and heart to anyone.

Ashley:

The doubtfulness weighs heavy on me.

In shock and defeat, I should take my medicine and sleep.

This is too surreal for pieces of reality...

can't, no I don't wanna breathe how could somebody have done this to me?

Existence is only temporary.


	8. Chapter 8

_Hello, my beautiful battlefields,_

_to Charlee, cheers to your kind words and a toast below to your inquiring answer_

_to OneLiner, your question will be answered in less time than you know._

_Until we meet again in hidden verses of truth..._

_.-_

* * *

><p>THE WHITE-SPLATTERED PARADE<p>

Spencer:

I threw rocks at her window,

I busted it open and I could hear the sounds of guns being cocked back into position.

Within seconds I could hear the sounds of arguments, glass clashing,

another beating beginning with muffled screams.

Why didn't she tell me these things?

It faded to black, but I saved her just as she saved me from my realities.

"Those people are toxic, and do not know what love is.

They are assholes and abusers because that's all they will be and become,

just lower in our gutter of the world.

We're all diseased, but I can look to the stars with you

and want something greater than I have known before."

is the truth I whisper in her ear as she is sleeping on my shoulder.

She must have heard me, because after the lights went out she spoke to me.

"Have you ever been with a girl?"

I shake my head in response,

she asked "would ever be mine, not just with me?"

I nod my head in response.

We became who we are, smitten with each other

and officially apart of one another's secrets.

Yet vital enough to kill us both, in a hopeless place.

Ashley:

and her mild words put my soul into a shell-shock.  
>I might as well have been a grenade responsible for the deaths of innocent lives.<br>That, that would have been more simple than an explanation of this  
>of this... what I am feeling...<p>

It was playfully interacted into sick misery, worlds and things

I had known falling like autumn leaves and bricks crashing on top of me.

"You should stop,... No! You need to stop!

Get away from me, you'll wake her, and she'll be so upset"

_ whispers_

"No, just stop and leave me be, okay? I'm not who I was anymore.

She found me and she changed everything I knew, stop and think about what you're doing.."

the sounds of bodily force shoving me up against a wall

shock my mind and slow my reaction as the tears well up in eyes for this feeling is all too familiar, again.

"You, you just don't care anymore." He yells before he hits me to hurt me and silence me.

"Your glances at her and talk of her will destroy us both,

because _you_ cannot keep your mouth, mind, and fucking feelings shut."

"I was alive. Not existing, for once. You're trying to destroy me, again."

"You feel these emotions for her, and it's wrong. You deserved this when it happened then by them, and you do now by me."

are the only words whispered to me before I suffocated from reality...

I had bruises, cuts, and fractured bones, a shattered phone with ripped photographs.

A long way from who I was, but not far from who I will become.


	9. Chapter 9

Hello my beautiful battlefields,

I have a lovely obsession with the reviews and reader count they make me

feel happy inside.

Charlee: you are amazing.

OneLiner: I applaud you too.

Don't get too attached, 3 pages left.

* * *

><p>A BEAUTIFUL LIE TO BELIEVE IN<p>

Spencer:

This is tragic. I burst my knuckles through a mirror.

Glass pieces cut me, but that is not the pain I feel.

The bridge that is built to support us cannot save us.

My reputation is necessary for survival,

I cannot lose what I have for what I may gain.

Crazy?

It's life.

But I cannot tell her the truth.

The undeniable truth that I am in love with her,

what she feels is important to me.

But fuck, honestly it's not enough...yet

Ashley:

And I was told to love thyself before it's made illegal.

But we only accept the love that we think

we deserve.. fenced in like ashes,

we all fall down.

She burns just as I am, if not blister and suffer.

I'm well aware of the consequences, but I cannot deny anymore

to myself that I love the ways she has to truthfully lie...

But I have held inside the worst part of it all.

I have not told to anyone, who he once was to me.

He is her brother,

the predator of my innocence.

When she found me a mess,

she was inconsolable.

From me, from him, and even herself.

The whispers of "I love you"'s and "I'm so sorry" never

make anything right when the bridges burn.


	10. Chapter 10

DIARY OF ANONYMOUS YOU:

_Ashley_  
>And I toy with my past like strings to a violin.<br>Silence bleeds unspoken words, which I want to scream the truth.  
>But it doesn't, just more static and confusion.<br>Which I do not seem to mind, but it doesn't make anything better.  
>She knew the outlines of my face, but not my name; not what was within.<br>Her blue eyes possessed hate and affliction.  
>She walks amongst the girls with no souls and plastic hearts of love in their eyes.<br>She runs towards me with a predator look.  
>As I stand there to analyze her motives, I am knocked to the ground.<br>She stands over me to slap the taste out of my mouth.  
>The blood trickles with mystery, numb I feel with no misery.<br>Her so-called friends yell inaudibly chants of encouragement,  
>while trying to stab me with half-empty words and promises.<br>She grabs me by the collar of our school girl uniform, she says to me with difficulty  
>"You will tell everybody the truth, my brother did not do any of those things to you."<br>But he did, and I'm ready to fight.  
>She is trying to hold tears back.<br>She grits her teeth and speaks hoarsely, "You will not destroy us."  
>Like me, she is afraid.<br>"You'll be facing death if you say another word."  
>And she lets me go with destruction causing me to hit my head on the lockers.<br>I am still the one to blame.

Spencer:

And she is still trying to find a place to belong.

I am desperate to return to her and what I left behind in her eyes

and pieces of her diary.

I cannot expose the love I have for them both is fathomless,

I misunderstood her warnings of loneliness with personal intentions

The war continues within themselves

and I have to stand alone.

Alone is the one thing that I am afraid of.

I am a terrible person because I seduced a stranger,

but she's the one who walked away with my life and a broken heart-shaped

delicacy of ill faith left in the eye of so-called religious by-standers.

One of the acquaintances yelled to her face that she was better off dead.

So am I...


	11. QUESTIONS OF EXISTENCE

"I saw you screaming,

when no one can hear.

You always feel ashamed, that someone

could always be that important.

That without them, you feel like nothing.

No one will ever understand how much it hurts.

You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you.

And when it's over, it's gone.

You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back,

so that you could have the good."


	12. Chapter 12

Oneliner: be careful what you wish for...

* * *

><p>WISHES OF THE DANDELIONS<p>

it was in that moment, we were trapped in an infinite feeling

and despair.

Silence between us hovers the walls, for our shadows and mouths

do not speak a tragic word.

She kept me a secret,

for protection, for lust.

The love/hate conspiracy tears us

down like a grenade thrown in

righteousness and freedom

I silently thought, as the tears fell without consequence,

"all we know is falling"..

Her thoughts echoed the room in response, "...to whom do I owe?"

she holds and loves me in

the dark for the 25th hour and

287th day...

"I have a confession to make. I am honestly a terrible

person, and I don't believe you can possibly understand the amount

of damage I am responsible for causing you.

I knew everything that happened, and I am reason

why those events happened to you...How do I explain?

It is

dangerous to admit to others and myself that I love you...

But beneath it all, even through the misery I place upon your being,

the altruism came to light again with you. It died with her, and

it has to end with us two.."

She exposes an object in my hands.

"Do you want to pull the trigger?"

* * *

><p>"<em>And it's the people that love you that seem to hurt you the most...Sometimes when they die, you find yourself cursing their ghost"<em>

* * *

><p>END.<p> 


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